Yeah, it's going to be another one of "those" posts.
So I can't run the marathon. I got 2 cortisone shots yesterday morning and a knee brace to try out. The doctor sounded doubtful during the appointment even, so that wasn't a good start. I ran this morning and only made it maybe a mile before stopping before the pain was too great that I had to stop. I am very depressed about this. There is no point in trying if I can only make it one mile, so I don't think I'm even going to show up. I might go and watch the end of the marathon just as a spectator, but I haven't decided if that will only make me feel like crap. I'm mad that I've set such an unattainable goal, only to let myself down in not accomplishing it. I'm mad at my body for not being able to perform. I'm mad at myself for not going to the doctor at the beginning of my training to train the right way. Even then, I am skeptical that it would even make a difference. I'm mad at the doctor for not making me better. I'm mad that I spent so much money on this race, clothes, gear, doctor appointments, etc. I'm a little mad at God for not letting me get through this marathon (probably gonna get struck down for that one, but since I'm being honest....). I feel like such a failure. This just is another regret to add to the pot....which is a big reason that I decided to train for this marathon, to prove to myself that I can do hard things. I don't always believe much in myself, and it feels that this is just proof in that statement. (I know, this is depressing). There have been some very supportive people along the way and also some not-so-supportive ones too. I wanted to show them that I could do it. But now I can't. Why do I set myself up for this? Why couldn't I just have a goal to just run the half-marathon. But that wasn't my goal, so now I can't even be proud of myself for that.
So what are my options? There is no way I can do the SLC Marathon. Watch that money burn. Sucks. So I am contemplating whether to go to a PT (like my dr. suggested) to strengthen my quads (which apparently helps knee pain) and maybe try to do the Utah Valley Marathon mid June. I'm really skeptical how much help a PT will do though. Maybe I'm just not meant to run marathons. But I really want to. Just one. But I have a hard time thinking that I'll be spending more and more money just to be disappointed again. And I am so burnt out on running. I started training 8 months ago. But I don't want to lose the cardio that I built up if there is a chance that I could possibly run a marathon in 2 months. Maybe I should just forget the whole thing. I don't know. Plus 2 good friends of mine are moving out of state in the next few weeks. That's not related at all, but I'm really sad about it too.
Yep, I am depressing. I'm sure I'll regret writing this as soon as I post it.
5 comments:
Rhiannon, Rhiannon, Rhiannon... having a good day, huh? j/k Can you not run a marathon later? I guess I don't know if your injury is permanent, or maybe your goal was to run this particular race. In any event, I don't think this classifies in the category of dropped goals. I reserve that for people who just give up without much effort or thought. You sincerely tried so hard and even ran a half-marathon (which is something I probably will never do)! Losing out on the money stinks, but who has that NOT happened to? Hang in there, and I hope the sun comes out for ya soon! Love ya!
I'm really sorry to hear that Rhiannon. I know that it must suck to not be able to hit your goal, but for what it's worth I'm seriously impressed by all you've done already. (And when you add all the training you've done already to what you do as a mother, I think it far exceeds that of a marathon!)
For what it's worth: I am in TOTAL awe you ran a 1/2 marathon so soon after having a baby and while still nursing. I wasn't even in shape to run a 5k at that point.
Rhiannon, you're amazing. If you hadn't posted this I never would have thought that you thought you couldn't do hard things. I always thought of you as the adventurous one. You're always trying different things and succeeding in whatever you do. Not attaining this goal is no fault of your own and definitely not a judge of your character. I hope you realize that soon :)
We're sorry to hear about your disappointment. We think you are awesome anyway and hope that your knee heals quickly.
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